Friday, June 15, 2012
Happy Father's Day to the Strongest, Courageous and Greatest DAD ever!
Dad, we miss you so much. We miss your hugs, kisses, and your voice. You always had great advise for me and Matthew. Your jokes would brighten our day and your insane outburst make for great memories. It's hard to believe that you are no longer with us. Your presence is so strong that we often find ourselves waiting for you or ready to call out your name. Many times I am turning around to walk with you or ready to point something out to you.
As I am preparing for my college journey I am guided by the words you wisely spoke to me. I know that even though you may not be here physically, you will continue to guide me in life with all you taught me over the years and experiences we have shared.
Matthew will grow to be the spinning image of you and we will make sure he becomes as great of man as his daddy was. He continues to look to you for strength and courage. You continue to guide him with your legacy and will always remain as a significant influence to the man he will become.
Dad, you are never far. We love you and appreciate all you have done for us and will continue to do. We are so lucky to have you as our Papeechee! Happy Father's Day!
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Friday, May 4, 2012
DLP finally went to her prom. She looked so beautiful and her date looked so handsome. He picked her up in a white limo and then they left to enjoy their prom. It was nothing but bitter sweet, Marco had the chance to see DLP in her dress and all he could say was my little girl is growing up fast and how her date needed to be on his best behavior. As the limo pulled away, it was tears galor, and just feeling Marco should of been here for this. Just one of the many moments we have and it just seems to make me mad even more that he was gone to soon. We know there will more moments that we wished he was here for, but we make the most of it and still talk about what Marco would of said or done at any particular moment then we laugh and we feel better. Gianina will be graduating this month and she is very excited to start planning her future.
I have been able to volunteer at Machinis school in the morning which makes his day. I wasn't able to participate in much the last couple of years but would send in something when it was called for. Machini gets a great big smile on his face when I go in to his class with cupcakes, lego head cake balls, jumbo pickles. He says he likes to see his friends faces when they see what I bring them. It's testing week and they have been doing a good job, I will be making pancakes for his class tomorrow so will see how that goes.
We went to go visit S3U5 in Palm Springs for the weekend and were surprised to get tickets to a sold out Stagecoach 2012 Country Music Festival, we love stagecoach and were excited to be going. We laughed, we cried and even got to hear some of the songs Marco would sing out loud randomly which just made it even more awesome. Little things like that is what brings comfort to our hearts, and its a good thing. So thank you to S3U5 and her hubby for that.
We promised Marco that we wouldn't think of the day that he passed away but it just seems to creep up on you anyway. It's been 2 months since, and we are still waiting for him to come through that door as weird as that may sound, we have a shit load of stories to tell him, we want to share all the excitements of the day and the upcoming events and that is when it gets hard to think he is gone. The tears just seem to come out of nowhere but we say okay your dad would be slapping us right about now we dry our tears , laugh and try to move on.
Many life changes and surprises are coming around the corner and it will be hard to adjust to it all, but we can do it because Marco has taught us to be strong and see that accepting what life has in store for you will make it a little easier to deal and to live life to the fullest no matter what.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Here I was trying to write on the blog the other day and it took me all damn day just to write my last blog entry. Its just so hard to express your feelings without breaking down. So here I am again tring to write through my damn tears. They should invent some type of eye wipers that just clear them away when you can't see shit in front of you to write.
Today as I was driving back from dropping off Matthew from school I decided to tune into the blend xm radio and as I listen to the song coming on I said to myself hey I have heard that tune before.......Love, Love will keep us together. I laughed, I cried all the way back to my mom's house but with a smile on my face. Little things like this make my day, these are the little thing I appreciate to be able to think back on Marco singing this song and dancing like a commador snaping his fingers as he swade, side to side.
I was talking to Surviving 3 under 5 and I asked her if she had seen the new commercial on the Pop Tarts when they are plain and then all of a sudden they have all these crazy colors. Well the kids and I were watching TV and all of the sudden this commercial comes out and we hear the I'm to sexy song....we all started to laugh out loud and I said your daddy would of jump out of his bed and started to shake his ass and sing out loud. We all just laughed. We love this commercial.
Life throws you some interesting things when you least expected.... its up to you to know how you'll let yourself accept them. With acceptance, smile and enjoy the moment or not accknowledge that its there, ignore it, and let the moment slip away.
Well,as you all know DLP will be graduating this May 2012 and she is so excited. She will be making her college choice soon. She has her eye on UC Santa Cruz,yes you guessed it by the sea. Marco always told her to make decisions on what is better for her and the career she choses,never take the short cuts for anything. Aim high in life and you'll be great and doors will open for you.
I am very excited to have DLP go off to college, we will be taking a trip up north next week to get a tour of the school. There is a lot going on with Prom in two weeks and we just ordered her yearbook, graduation, and moving possibly to Santa Cruz for college. A lot of things happening fast, too fast but life goes on and we just have to jump on the life train to were its headed sometimes. But I know she will be alright. Very excited to see UC Santa Cruz!
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
There is not a day that has gone by with out a Marco quote followed by a laugh.
We are grateful that we were able to have him in our lives as my friend, best friend, husband and greatest dad to my kids. He has left us with an amazing appreciation of life and we don't let the sadness our hearts feel get us down because Marco never let anything get him down.
Marco told us to always remember something great we did and smile, not to feel sad. And that is exactly what we do. We refuse to let sadness get the best of us, all though we do have our moments but its okay cause we aren't made of rock.
If only everyone could see that having your memories and remembering all the good times is what you should keep with you all the time to help you through your tough times. It makes it a little easier to get through the day. The sadness comes from missing his "physical presence" here with us or just not hearing his voice.
The kids and I, we can say we are doing okay thus far. We miss him a lot. But it got to the point were it scared me to see that the kids as well as myself were doing okay. (of course having our moments of breaking down, but okay) I called Odyssey to send a counselor right away, to talk with us. I felt like something was wrong and I need to get some answers or help for that matter.
The next day they sent over Kathy, a very nice woman to come talk with us. She wanted me to explain what my concerns where and why we thought we needed her help. I told her I wasn't sure why we were feeling okay. I explained that I was thinking maybe we were in survival mode, denial, or anything else she could add to the list.
Then she said "can you tell me a bit about your relationship with Marco". So of course we spilled the beans of how amazing he is and everything he had to deal with and how we all dealt with it. She wanted to know if the kids were informed of what was going on and we said "yes, with all the raw reality's of what the cancer was doing and what it would take at the end of the road." She wanted to know if Marco spoke to us about his feeling for each of us and we told her "yes, everyday".
We told her about our road trips, how we all cried through all of our raw reality talks with the kids and how we all planned his funeral just as he wanted it. From the brochures to the flowers and pictures selected for the video and scrapbooks. She just looked at us in disbelief she said she couldn't believe everything we had gone through as a family and yet we all kept it together.
She explained that there was nothing wrong with us, we just didn't have loose ends to have to deal with at the end. Everything was planned and we grieved every step of the way.
And we understood the reality of what life held for us and we learned as a family to accept it.
"Not a lot of people have that you know," she told us. She looked at us all and said from one end to another "you are normal, there is nothing you are telling me right now that makes it not normal. You don't have regrets, remorse and nothing wasn't left unsaid."
Matthew was the first to let out a deep sigh and say "well, I am glad we are normal." Gianina and I were relieved to hear that she wasn't going to take us wrapped in white jackets.
She explained that everyone has their own relationship with Marco and everyone will grieve differently. Depending on the relationship, there is not set way to grieve.
Before leaving I did mention to her that it still felt surreal, seemed like people were talking about someone else's Marco. We feel like he has been on a long fishing trip and its just taking him long to get home.
She replied with "that is normal too but be aware that the day will come when you all realize he is not walking through that door". I think she shock us with that, and we realized that, that was a devastating thing we would have to encounter at our own time.
I was glad that we talked to her and just her telling us we were "normal" was great in itself.
Marco means the world to us and we will never stop enjoying all the great things in life that we all had as a family. We embrace each day with the same attitude to move forward and enjoy one day at a time with no regrets. With a smile on our faces and always remembering all the wonderful memories Marco has left for us to enjoy.
Monday, March 12, 2012
As you all know Marco passed away in Hesperia at my parents home. Just where he wanted to be, at home. All of the family was right there, helping bring down his fevers and making sure he was comfortable at all times. We held his hand and kissed him every moment we could. Till the end Marco had a great big hug for me and told me several times before he passed that he would miss us and loved us. He passed away very peacefully and for that I was so greatful that he didn't suffer too much at the end.
The kids and I miss him terribly and feel like he has gone on a two day fishing trip and is running late and he will be walking thru the front door anytime. But soon the reality hits and we are devasted to reawake to our reality, but we remember what Marco said not to cry we will be ok. He will always be right there for us no matter what.
We would like to thank everyone who came to celebrate Marco's life with us. I was amazing to see how many people were touched by Marco and how he made a difference in their lives. There were a lot of family and friends and then there were the ones whom we would hear Marco speak of but never met. It was nice to place a face with a name. The stories that everyone shared with the kids and myself were just what Marco knew would happen and wanted to happen.
Marco put a lot of love and time into planning out what he wanted for his funeral service. Marco the kids and I spent a lot time preparing for the celebration of life. We wanted to let Marco shine through the service and not focus on the disease. He said to much time had already been spent on that to dwell on it. Having to do all the running around and getting stuff done while he was alive was the cruelest thing I have had to do in my life. No one wants to have that task. But it brought us even closer together than we were.
There were tears of joy and tears of heartbreak that we had to deal with weeks before Marco passed away. But he made sure to let us know that it would be alright, we would miss him and be devastated for awhile but in the end we would all be okay. We would all spend quality time with him and he would always remind us that he and we would all be okay and we believed him.
Thank you again to all for all your well wishes and support throughout this time. We love you all!
Marco is truly missed, never forgotten.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Rose Hills Memorial
Sky Rose Chapel
3888 Workman Mill Road
Whittier, CA 90601
530pm to 830pm
--- Memorial FRIDAY
Please inform those whom have kept Marco on their minds and in their hearts.
****Note: Please respect that all services will be Non-Religious****
Love you Marco.
In lieu of
flowers, we have set up an account to help assist the family in these tryingtimes.
There are 2options: PayPal via internet and WellsFargo Bank
1. Go to www.paypal.com
2. Click on send money
3. Click on Friends and Family
4. Fill in account email email@example.com
Or visit a Wells Fargo Bank: Deposit donations to >> Marco Mendez Benefit Memorial Fund.
Thank you to all for your thoughts and support throughout the years.
Thank you to the doctors, nurses and care providers from City of Hope and Odyssey Hospice.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Friday, March 2, 2012
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Through it all we continue to see Marco's sharp wit shine through. He is conscious and alert between the sedation of the meds. He is in good spririts. He does not complain. Instead he says he has the greatest nurse in Marie. He makes fun of the green Jello we are begging him to eat. And he fights for the remote claiming he is listening to the t.v. with his eyes are closed.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Larry called in for a different oxygen machine because Marco has reached to max level on this little one he has now, which only holds 2-5 oxygen levels and changed it to 5-10 oxygen level. It has been very tough for Marco this week, with all the coughing his sides have been really giving him more soreness and slight pain. We just need to maintain pain management to keep Marco comfortable. We will keep you posted as things progress
Monday, February 20, 2012
It was bitter sweet returning to COH since Octorber. I had an hour to drive in and an hour to drive back by myself and the emotions I was dealing with were emotionally exhausting.
Since Saturday, Marco has not been doing well. His breathing has gotten terribly worse, there is nothing he can do without getting absolutely winded. It takes him longer to try to catch his breath and it is just terrifying to see him gasping for air. I just feel helpless that there is nothing I can do but run to put the damn oxygen level to the max on the machine and cross my fingers that it gets to him fast enough before something happens to him.
Last night I was on the computer as he walked to the bathroom it didn't take long before he called me I ran to the bathroom door and he was turning colors and he said he needed the oxygen. Well it took him a while till he was back to "normal breathing" it was scary to see him like that.
He has been on the oxygen 24hours a day and is now taking his breakthrough medication 2 X a day aside from his normal doses. The fever is still there off and on in the day and night time. So far we have had a handle on it to bring it down fast. He has a harder time keeping a conversation too. As if all this is not enough he has been coughing up a lot of blood sputum which is not a good thing either. So far, we are just keeping an eye on him like hawks.
I was planning on putting up the pictures from last Saturday, but that will have to wait a little bit. But we would like to take the time to thank you all who donated on Sat. WE LOVE YOU ALL!!!
Thursday, February 16, 2012
He seems to be coughing more too. Still with some bloody sputum. I hate to see him out of breath and gasping for air. Seems like his breathing is getting worse too. Told him today he needs to just take it even more slower that he has been so he doesn't lose his breath and to make it easier on him.
We did have a nice weekend last weekend, we had several family member come and visit including Marco's family which was nice. It was great to see them all.
For now Marco has had a fever between 100.9 to 102.1 every night. We are keeping an eye on it, extra morphine seems to be working to keep things under control so far. Will keep you posted.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
We are excited to see family we haven't seen in a while, Moshura's sister is coming out from D.C. to visit and the Temecula family will be here this weekend. Just hoping Marco can be out in the living room if only for a little bit to say hello. Since he hasn't been feeling good lately at all.
Emotionally drained is what we feel. Just wrapping up on last minute things so we can say that thing to do list is done. We want to thank my sister Surviving 3 under 5 for helping us out with all of this shit we had to do.
Will keep you posted if anything changes.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Marco even said he was fine and for me to go to the casino for my birthday. DLP called me a 2 hours later saying Marcos fever had jumped to 100.9 and she had already given him some medicine to bring it down and not to worry but as soon as we could we left to come back home.
So far his fever has gone down but his breathing started to act up again so oxygen was placed back on and now he is trying to rest. I will post if anything changes so for now he is okay.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Saturday night, Marco was really gasping for air and asked for the oxygen, you know his ass wasn't feeling well at that point to ask for it. . When it was time for us to go to sleep all he did was get into bed and leaned in to get all the blanket ready and his eyes almost popped out his head because he couldn't breath.
It scared me to see him like that, he asked for oxygen again. 5 min. later he looked better and he was
able to breath normal again. When Sunday rolled around, Marco was really hoping that he would feel good to see all the guys and be able to make it to the get together. Well, it didn't take long after he woke up and got out of bed when his was having a hard time breathing.
So finally when it was time to go I told him we could go for a little bit and if he didn't feel good then we could leave. Packed up the oxygen tank and meds and we were on our way. He was just taking it easy and we were able to stay for awhile till he felt tired and we came home. We had a great time with the the Disturbers and Family. With all kind of good food and good times. Seeing all the grown kids just made you feel like time is passing by so fast. Thank you to Liz and NoNo for the Super Bowl get together.
This morning he had a hard time breathing so he was on the oxygen again. He also coughed up some bloody sputum. Around 8:30pm tonight he was having more problems breathing so he is back on the oxygen. He has had a fever of 102.0 so I started to put cold packs on him to bring it down.
Its 11:58pm now and his breathing hasn't changed (normal this morning 5 min it was back to normal) right now just seems to be giving him problem. Gave him some medication to bring fever down and see what happens throughout the night. He is not feeling good at the time will keep you posted. His temp right now is 101.4 so it looks like its coming down slowly.
Marco says he is glad he was able to see all the guys before the fevers kicked it.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
of is just torturous. Marco and I were talking last night and it’s just so hard trying to understand how the hell we got here. How did we end up here, where no one wants to be? Told after so much shit Marco had to endure at COH that there is nothing humanly possible that can be done anymore. It’s hard to accept.
His thoughts are on: when, where, and how will it happen, how much longer do I have? It’s
been 3 months since Dr. Chow let us know that, that was it. Marco even wonders if he is selfish, selfish for wondering how much time he has. We know no one has an expiration date, believe me his not in a rush. But these are things that he thinks about often.
The emotional tension is the worse I think, we are just bombs ready to bust. Yeah, we let it out here and there, but it just seems like there is just something bigger hiding under the first couple of tears. It's hard to play the waiting game. Marco says, “you know it’s around the corner and you’re ok with that, but you don't want it to get here either.”
We are on watch 24/7. We are constantly asking Marco: How are you feeling? Are you ok? There
are times Marco walks and begins to lose his balance, he coughs at times, he has shortness of breath and you can’t help but be cautious of everything. The pressure he has been feeling in his chest now and head is worrisome because that shit could pop up in his head again as well.
It’s hard to not to think of what could happen at any time. I ask Marco if I get on his damn
nerves asking him all the time if his is okay, but he replies with no. It is really hard understanding everything Marco has gone through and for what? It just doesn't make any sense, but we do believe someone out there has voodoo dolls for us. But I believe Marco when he sings to me “LOVE, LOVE WILL KEEP US TOGETHER” (yes he does sing that to me and he holds the tune). Those are some powerful words coming from this man.
Time and time again, we don't have an explanation for it. Well, I feel I do need an explanation or more so a better understanding. I am just so pissed, that we have to go through all this. Even with all the uncertainty that life hold for us, we try to look far above the dark clouds that loom over us every day.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Its also been about 10 months since Marco had his major surgery in his left side and that soreness hasn't gone away we think it could be from the surgery itself and everything they did in there.
He is also starting to feel some soreness on his right side which is were they found the new growth in June 2011. Marco still has his good days and his bad but we deal with it as it comes.
He still loses his breath just doing little things, he tries to do things at a slow pace.
Marco has been trying to get a fishing trip in, but the weather and the uncertainty of what will happen makes him think twice about going out. I get scared just to think of the consequences that we would have to deal with after the trip.
There is just so much movement on the boat that just on a regular day he would have a hard time. I could only imagine what that trip would be like. Yes, we want to go and go with him but just the thought of what pain he would be in, scares the hell out of me.
He mentioned the other day that he really wanted to go fishing so I said "Let's go then, I will go with you and will take the kids out of school." He didn't respond, but he looked like he almost wanted to go ...will see.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Thursday, January 12, 2012
past 4 and a half years. At the end of the the history run down they always ask....How are you dealing with all this now? Well, what do they expect him to say...okay Marco says ...it is what it is and that is pretty much it.
scenarios. We need to prepared for anything, but some of the shit is just crazy.
I always say I am holding everything up (or at least I try) from one corner I
have Marco, on the other the kids, the other corner the family as a whole and
the last corner all the scared shit-less and worries we all carry and then there is
me ..... holding all the structure on the inside, knees shaking trying to hold all of it together.
Monday, January 9, 2012
The new year has been quiet thus far, but I just can't help to think of the shitty year we had in 2011. To many things, the beginning of the year we lost our home that we lived in for 14 years. We were sad to let it go, but we didn't have a choice. I always said as long as we are all together it was ok it was just a house, but it proved me wrong. I had a hard time with it. But it was for the better, just glad Salt-N-Pepper and Medicated Man took us in.
Marco had his last surgeries in his lung followed by the brain tumor which caught us off guard, from one day to the next. We said our good-byes to COH, which has been so good to us. All the doctors that helped Marco through his cancer surgeries, Dr. Vijay Trisal, Dr.Warren Chow, Dr. Fredrick Grannis, Dr. Yen Chen, Dr. Tan, all the nurses in the radiation dept., all the super nurses in 4-West, Lee the maintance technician and the valet guys, Estella from the positive image center, Amy and Daisy and Marisol who helped us all through the emotional roller coaster our kids were dealing with, their kind words and easy way of explaining things were helpful too, everyone was amazing.
I sometimes miss that place, not for Marco to have treatment, but for all the people we had the pleasure to meet.
Then having to be told that there was nothing else that could be done for Marco at COH was heart breaking and it left us frozen to say the least. It was as if someone had punched you in the stomach. Even though it was something we knew was coming it was hard to swallow, even now.
The hard thing about it is that we don't know what lies ahead, what will happen or how will it happen and that is the scary part. We all worry when Marco is not feeling good, looks tired, we are all just keeping an eye on him all the time. I am sure it gets on Marco's last nerve, but we tell him we just love him so much we want to make sure he is okay at all times.
His equilibrium has been way off at times and his vision he says it worse at times so I told him whether he likes it or not we all have our eyes on him.
There is just so much that needs to be done for Larry (nurse) and yet I can't seem to get that stuff done. It ain't easy trying to make funeral arrangements and videos and all. This has to be one of the hardest things to do right now. I had asked Surviving 3 under 5 to please help me and go to the cemetery and get information for us.
She said she had a hard ass time getting her shit together, I could only imagine me going there. TERRIBLE but she cowgirl'd up and did a great job in getting exactly what we asked of her.
So here I think I am in the clear....so for a couple of months now I was under the understanding that when shit hit the fan we would call these people and we were ready to go...noooooo. I fix the cemetery information card on the hospice folder for Larry and I let him know the other day that this is the card with information to call and it would be good to go. So he asked so it everything done chosen and paid for...I told him.."no.." lol. He says ok, you need to get it all done so all I have to do is call and everything is taken care of and I don't have to ask you a million question cause you will not have a clue or the mentality to answer any question if anything should happen.
Let me tell you, its not something I or we want to do or care to do but we know it needs to get done so that is my goal this month to get that shit done. Marco has given his input of what he wants and how he would like it, and its just so weird to us to be talking about it while he is still alive.
I do recommend that you all let your loved ones know what you want and don't want for your funeral arrangements and have it all done before you are forced to do it. Same thing with your living wills and estate shit....get it done and you avoid all the emotional roller coaster trying to get it done while your still alive.
Tell the people in your life how you feel and say I love you to your mother, brothers and sister, wife and husbands and kids and enjoy every day, sometimes time is not on your side and the days go by so fast you wish you had the power to slow it down to slow motion but in reality that can't be done so enjoy one day at a time.
"Good night, just want to tell you, I LOVE YOU GUYS, just in case I don't wake up in the morning." -Marco
"I love you too dad" -DLP
"I love you more" -Me
"But I love him most" -Matthew
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
The morphine that Marco was put on seems to be doing its job in not giving him great pain he was experiencing a couple of weeks ago. Which we are very glad about.
We hope everyone had a great holiday and that you all cherished the time with all your families and your loved ones.
We hope the new year brings eveyone good health.